life's bleak now, hopefully not from tmr onwards

seriously, its probably one of my dullest times in life. yes even though I managed to achieve a perfect score, but so what? that was not enough for me to get into a course which I had always wanted since I was a child. Despite docs telling me how tough it would be, I eventually decided to go ahead and strive to get into the course. But this is life, things don't always go the way we want them to. Thinking back, I admit it was really folly on my side that I felt that Med was everything and the ONLY course I wanted to do. Nothing else seemed fascinating nor interesting enough. Placing all eggs into one basket, thats the biggest mistake of my life. I really really really regret not being kiasu and just apply for other courses in other unis as well, maybe just for fun at least. But all's too late to regret now and I can only just accept it. Although nus offered me a scholarship to study science, but science? what can i do after obtaining a science degree? maybe most likely having to pursue further studies till a phd and do research work, or be a teacher? At one point of time, i did consider just accepting what im given because that seems the easiest way out.

But after meeting ambrose and talking to uncles and aunties, I realise I dont want to study life sciences anymore. I dont want to study one entire module just on whats inside the already small mitochondria. Like what ambrose said, whats the point of studying so in depth of something so small????! well unless you have interest in really understanding the biology of everything and wants to do in depth research. furthermore, many of his friends and including himself, dont do anything related after getting a science degree. so in short its pretty useless.

Every day and night, I would be thinking to myself what i wanna do, after recovering from the utterly upset and disappointed stage when I found out i was rejected by med. But after thinking through, it could be a relief to myself instead because I know that I wouldnt have to be bonded to hospitals for 5 years and have no life (like what i hear from other docs). Maybe its just a way to comfort myself and make me feel better.

whatever it is, i have come to the point where i have to make a decision which is extremely impt because it probably decides what path I would take in my next 20 years? haha not so serious, but yeah it decides my direction in life basically. its too late to look back, but its alright cause i shall not and i should just look forward and ahead. there are a myriad of opportunities out there which i haven explored. Being kinda lost in my direction now, I am actually very open to my options and courses to study because I just want to study something which would not limit my career options in future but give myself the chance to find whats right for myself.

yep maybe I should just appeal for med, since thats what i really wanted before. Shall just treat it as a last chance to try. Otherwise I would just erase the whole idea of medicine. Upon hearing opinions from uncle eugene, royston gor gor, aunt sharon and sandra, I feel a little convinced that maybe i should study business because its really a useful degree which would not be hard to get a job with. I know that I myself have already become very lost in my directions which thus resulted in this hesitation of what to do next. I wanted to hear opinions from them not only because they are experienced, but actually I just needed someone to assure me that things would be fine if I do this or that. It seems so much pressure that I have to make this critical decision myself because I feel so inexperienced in everything and have no idea what I want to do in life.

Im really very thankful to them showing so much concern for me, making me feel that its alright, Im not alone. The idea of going overseas to study may seem really attractive, but eventually it all boils down to the issue of money. I know its impossible to go overseas without a scholarship and I wouldnt want to either because I dont want to go and come back with a huge debt on my shoulders. it would be too much a burden for me to bear, and neither would i want to increase my parents' burden too.

No matter what course I would study eventually, its all God's will which I have no power to defy. I just hope that the course would go well and most importantly, it would allow me to get a stable job and 'bring the dough home', as quoted from aunt sharon.

who knows, maybe a miracle (which i dont know what) might happen tmr and remove all my troubles. Then maybe life wouldn't seem so bleak anymore. Life's meant to be happy anyway! Gotta make full use of my time and do things which I really want to :)