life's bleak now, hopefully not from tmr onwards

seriously, its probably one of my dullest times in life. yes even though I managed to achieve a perfect score, but so what? that was not enough for me to get into a course which I had always wanted since I was a child. Despite docs telling me how tough it would be, I eventually decided to go ahead and strive to get into the course. But this is life, things don't always go the way we want them to. Thinking back, I admit it was really folly on my side that I felt that Med was everything and the ONLY course I wanted to do. Nothing else seemed fascinating nor interesting enough. Placing all eggs into one basket, thats the biggest mistake of my life. I really really really regret not being kiasu and just apply for other courses in other unis as well, maybe just for fun at least. But all's too late to regret now and I can only just accept it. Although nus offered me a scholarship to study science, but science? what can i do after obtaining a science degree? maybe most likely having to pursue further studies till a phd and do research work, or be a teacher? At one point of time, i did consider just accepting what im given because that seems the easiest way out.

But after meeting ambrose and talking to uncles and aunties, I realise I dont want to study life sciences anymore. I dont want to study one entire module just on whats inside the already small mitochondria. Like what ambrose said, whats the point of studying so in depth of something so small????! well unless you have interest in really understanding the biology of everything and wants to do in depth research. furthermore, many of his friends and including himself, dont do anything related after getting a science degree. so in short its pretty useless.

Every day and night, I would be thinking to myself what i wanna do, after recovering from the utterly upset and disappointed stage when I found out i was rejected by med. But after thinking through, it could be a relief to myself instead because I know that I wouldnt have to be bonded to hospitals for 5 years and have no life (like what i hear from other docs). Maybe its just a way to comfort myself and make me feel better.

whatever it is, i have come to the point where i have to make a decision which is extremely impt because it probably decides what path I would take in my next 20 years? haha not so serious, but yeah it decides my direction in life basically. its too late to look back, but its alright cause i shall not and i should just look forward and ahead. there are a myriad of opportunities out there which i haven explored. Being kinda lost in my direction now, I am actually very open to my options and courses to study because I just want to study something which would not limit my career options in future but give myself the chance to find whats right for myself.

yep maybe I should just appeal for med, since thats what i really wanted before. Shall just treat it as a last chance to try. Otherwise I would just erase the whole idea of medicine. Upon hearing opinions from uncle eugene, royston gor gor, aunt sharon and sandra, I feel a little convinced that maybe i should study business because its really a useful degree which would not be hard to get a job with. I know that I myself have already become very lost in my directions which thus resulted in this hesitation of what to do next. I wanted to hear opinions from them not only because they are experienced, but actually I just needed someone to assure me that things would be fine if I do this or that. It seems so much pressure that I have to make this critical decision myself because I feel so inexperienced in everything and have no idea what I want to do in life.

Im really very thankful to them showing so much concern for me, making me feel that its alright, Im not alone. The idea of going overseas to study may seem really attractive, but eventually it all boils down to the issue of money. I know its impossible to go overseas without a scholarship and I wouldnt want to either because I dont want to go and come back with a huge debt on my shoulders. it would be too much a burden for me to bear, and neither would i want to increase my parents' burden too.

No matter what course I would study eventually, its all God's will which I have no power to defy. I just hope that the course would go well and most importantly, it would allow me to get a stable job and 'bring the dough home', as quoted from aunt sharon.

who knows, maybe a miracle (which i dont know what) might happen tmr and remove all my troubles. Then maybe life wouldn't seem so bleak anymore. Life's meant to be happy anyway! Gotta make full use of my time and do things which I really want to :)

6th Jan 2011 - IB results day!

Till now, I can still remember that faithful day so clearly because it was the day which proved that all our hard work and efforts put in did not go down the drain. 6th Jan 2011, probably one of the happiest day in my life :)

Was working at Starhub call centre and it so happens that 6th Jan was my off day so I didnt have have to find someone else to swop off day with :) shixuan, ruyi, kris and I arranged to meet for Macs breakfast at KAP before going to school to get our results but kris and i were late lol. Cause I bought my food at the time when they were going to switch to lunch menu, they had no more hashbrowns so I had a mix of lunch and breakfast (hotcakes + french fries) haha so weird. I still remember all of us were so worried and had no idea what to expect. Then we went to cold storage to buy glue cause shixuan needed to glue her shoes!

We cabbed to school and by then, we were really all already having butterflies in our stomachs ): It felt like it was just not too long ago when we collected our O's results in Crescent and now we're about to collect back our IB results. Since 15 Nov 2010 (my last day of IB exams), I have really put IB and exams to the back of my mind and didn't really want to think about my results. I just wanted to have fun while I can before having to think about how I actually did. Went Phuket for class trip, went prom shopping, had prom night, stayover at nic's house, went for cruise trip, went shopping with diff pple, went for job interviews, actually worked at Starhub, went out with colleagues etc. And in a blink of eye, 6th Jan have arrived. The day which everyone was counting down to :/

Honestly I was really afraid that I wouldn't get 40 and above, seeing that my prelims was only 37 with bonus points. & i really wrote my econs essay wrongly. I mentally prepared myself for the worst and would be really really glad if i could get a 42! somehow, thinking of getting 43 or 44 would already be a miracle and dream come true, let alone 45.

On that day, while walking up the spiral stairs to audi 2, I saw michael's and jiaren's msg saying that Mr GTG would like to see me and asked me where I was. It was quite scary because I didnt know what to expect. We walked into the Audi and I saw Mr Goh, and he actually congratulated me. He was really smiling so widely and I just rmb him saying "Solid!" hahah then he refused to say anything more. I felt a leap of joy since he congratulated me, meaning that I probably wouldn't do too badly. but then again, it was really hard to believe because I don't have that much faith in myself.

I dared not expect for too much, for fear I would feel disappointed and also cause I knew that the times just before IB exams were really bad for me. Besides having to focus and catch up on my work/revision for exams, I was pretty much distracted for the wrong reasons. Everything was in such a wrong timing and I felt hurt. Thinking back, I really thank God for making me strong and always being with me. He knew every thoughts of me, and how I felt, but He guided me and gave me perseverance to focus on my exams. It really took me quite awhile to recover, at least 2 months, since 16th Oct 2010. The hardest period of time was from then till 2nd Nov, when I had to be in intense mugging mode to prepare for my exams. I felt the stress yet sometimes, I cannot help it but kept thinking of the past. It was difficult to forget, cause I would think of it whenever I'm alone. It was really tough.

Thankfully, I had the support of my dear friends + classmates cause we studied together which made me feel that im not alone on this journey. I won't forget the times studied with ruyi/kris/shixuan at the SAC, library or study rooms! :) There are times when we get so sian and we would just go and sit at the fountain and talk hahah. oh & we were making so much noise in the library room we booked! I'm really glad to have them with me throughout these 2 years, always there to lend a listening ear and give advices! hahaha. & lucky I have kris with me, otherwise I probably won't have the courage to join band and have so much fun!

Of course, I'm also very thankful to be in my class because I feel that my class is just awesome :) not only are the people nice, we're fun and we all work hard together, showing others we can do it! There's constant encouragement from one another not to give up, having class prayers before sitting for every papers we had and everyone's willing to help one another :D It indeed is a class effort that our class msg was ranked amongst the top 3! :))

Very imptly, we all also have our great teachers to thank! without all their patience and efforts put in for us, we would never be able to do so well.

Really thankful to Mr Chooi because he's so dedicated to teaching which makes me feel that I must really work hard for Chem for him. I rmb that he wanted to have extra lessons for the class to help us in our weaker topics, and at that time because of FOA, my IOC was pushed back, much later than rest of the class. But knowing that I was weak in Chem (cause i did so badly for mid-years), he decided to start the extra lessons later so that I could first focus on my IOC yet would not miss out on the remedial lessons. At that time I really felt that he's doing so much to help us, all the more we have to do well to thank him! Although sir's jokes are sometimes not funny hahaha, but i'm sure we all really appreciate him for his efforts!!! He also help to compile past year IB qn for us to practice and he's always willing to help when we need some consultations with him. Thank you Mr Chooi! (:

Another teacher who spent 2 years with us is Mdm Tay! Haha I wont forget her constant nagging at the class to submit all our IAs cause she would always read out the names of the people who owes her IAs lol. She's really a very nice and patient teacher to us, and also very motherly :) She cares for us so much that sometimes I feel that she is more worried for our IAs than we ourselves are! On our last day of school, Mdm even treated us to nasi lemak! :D On the release of results day, I went to speak to her and even gave her a hug!!! She was really so excited and happy for all of us because she was so surprised that our class did so well for bio!!! So glad that her hard work on us paid off hahaha :)

Mr Azmi trained us so much with making good use of our GDC! He also offers extra lessons if we need help from him :D sometimes he would also bring us to the math lab to have a change of environment since we're always having lessons in our class! surprisingly mr goh also emailed us before our last math p3 to send us practice qn to help (:

There are really so many teachers to thank, for without their help, our cohort wouldn't have done so well :D

Last but not least, all glory should be honoured to God, for He is the one who helped us all stay strong and persevere :D Thanks be to God! ^^

the most awesome 18th birthday

Last friday, 2nd July 2010 was the day i turned 18! Although my friends and I were all in the midst of our common tests & i actually didnt really feel like having a party to celebrate my birthday, it was jiejie who persuaded me to have one cause its only once in our lifetime that we get to have our 18th birthday! & of course with ruyi their constant encouragement to have a party, tadaaa i decided to have one in the end hehe. Im really thankful to them otherwise i wouldn't have had such a memorable 18th birthday. it really is kinda one of the best i've had (:

initial plans were to either have it at home or at popo's house downstairs, but as the guests list was too many haha we decided home would be too small! & mummy was worried that it would rain on that day too hence its not a good idea to have it at popo's house downstairs. eventually, aunt janice was really kind & was all willing to lend me her house to hold my party! :D she actually had a company dinner that night, however she didnt go for it cause of my birthday! aww. she even took half day off to go get my surprise present!!! (she gave me my FIRST tatty bear! :DD heheheh) & they also prepared lots of drinks, snacks and even alcohol for my party hehe.

as usual with our family traditions, i invited not only my friends but also all my family members for the party! though some people were unable to turn up, there was a total of 93 people who gathered together to celebrate my birthday for me! :DDD really the biggest birthday party i've ever had haha.

the first person who wished me happy birthday was shixuan! x3 hehe so awesome to have the same birthday as her! & the first guy who wished me was kaisen early in the morning haha thankss (: the day started off with us having english paper 2 & i was really afraid cause i barely studied for it!!!!!!!! :O

however thanks to God's blessings, i felt that i was quite able to do the paper! hehehe. so thats a good thing which didnt spoil my special day :D oh that day was apparently also our youth day's celebration hence we could wear our casual wear & eu wore a dress! (: we even had ice cream treats after doing our paper hahah so nicee.

hmm yeah then i saw d's msg. was really pondering whether or not to go take it cause it was so weird but thanks sx for offering to help hahaha. omg it was so embarrassing when the classmates thought we were trying to break their lockers. then we quickly zhao hahah.

most of my friends either had smth on/going home/have more papers so they would only come to the party directly at a later time. then i went with isaac, kenric, james, david, meredith, jiansheng, minkai, adrian to lan at beauty world! HAHA. omg i cant believe it but im a member of the lan shop already. cause we needed to become members to be able to play hahah. (: lol i was probably the noob-est over there but its alright cos they'd give in sometimes & its just all for the fun of it! hahaha. played for a few hours with them before i had to rush home cause mummy was calling me, so i left first.

it was kinda raining slightly when i left so had to take umbrella so ma fan hahah. reached home, ate abit of lunch, showered and got dressed! also had to prepare the things to bring over to aunt janice's house (: haha when we reached there it felt so early i didnt know what to do! had a slight headache then but i knew i'd get well soon cause its my birthday & i didnt wanna feel sick on my special day! lol

jiejie and sheila were the first to arrive & then eu came. & not long after, the guys who went to lan arrived too hehe. they were so funny! they lined themselves up one by one outside the house (so i cant see them) & they walked in one by one to pass me a cutesy balloon each & wished me happy birthday haha. tsk they purposely placed david the last haha.

david, kenric and minkai played xbox at the 4th level while the rest of them were downstairs seeing the korean MVs! hahaha. more people gradually came and the food arrived too (: michael, ryan and jiaren even purposely went out to get a gift for me aww thanks guys! (haha cause saat called me & asked what i liked lololl)

nicole & kylie are so cute they each drew me a birthday card! ((: haha the girls and raphael were so shy in front of so many people though we all know they're usually very talkative kids! HAHA. so they all clinged onto me the whole day & followed wherever i went haha. the class played with the kids/monopoly/xbox/card games (homojelly i think) to entertain themselves while the band people koped the guest room in level 3 for their mahjong session! lol they were all so super excited when i suggested mahjong hahahaha. (: some of the band people bought me this really huge cute pink piglet!!! i really liked it alot cause its so cute and huggable hehee thanks!!! :D (heard from kris that dennis said he chose it hahah)

ruyi, kris & sx gave me a really nice board with lots of efforts put in!! they came late cause i think they only had time to do it that day hahah thanks girls! :D its a huge board with all our pictures & moments we shared together! x3 there's also a pretty pink balloon attached & they drew the 4 of us together there hahaha so niceee. its just placed beside my bed now! :D they also gave me a cute pink rabbit pencil case with 2 pairs of pink earrings in it! hahaha i know you all purposely chose pink haha ((:

nicole, calida and eu specially baked a cheesecake topped with strawberries for me! their baking skills are really good hahah thanks so much! ^^ omg it was so funny when nic told me about her coincidental similar strip shirts she wore with saat HAHAHA. its probably fate nic hehee (:

Jiali & the rest shared alot alot of pink stationary for me! hahaha all kinds of pink pens, pencil, highlighter, marker lol i have such variety now :D oh plus earrings which are pink too hehe. (btw jiali realised that david was her pri sch friend! omg such a small world :D)

Jie, ty and jh shared this cute tatty bear helium balloon! heard they went through much trouble to find and get it for me hahah xiexie ni men! they gave me tops and a really pretty necklace :)) good taste hahaha.

oh yeah and kaisen came all the way with dennis just to pass me the present they shared! he didnt wanna stay cause he felt its very weird but aww so nice of him :D i feel like he's really one of my closest guy friend now hahaha yay. can always talk rubbish/play games/studyy tgt :D

my other aunts/friends gave gifts too but haha abit lazy to write all every details. but im thankful for everything! (:

yeah the only problem with having such a big party is that i have to split myself and entertain the diff groups of friends hahaha. i think i walked the flights of stairs for 4 levels like a million times that day hahaha. even mummy's legs were aching the next day too ):

while dinnering, the whole group of ppl watched ip-man 2 together in the living room :D

the cake-cutting session was the most epic hahaha. oh yes aunt sharon surprised me when she bought me 49 pink cupcakes with the bear theme to match my birthday cake!!!!! :DD it was really such a pleasant surprise thanks yiyi! though the icing on top were really sweet but the cupcakes are actually mini cheesecakes which are really nice! haha my birthday cake was really kinda elaborate ttm cause its a huge 3D teddy bear cake and its so pretty! thanks to mummy and daddy who chose the cake for me & didnt mind it being so expensive lol. (: took so many pictures till my mouth very suan of smiling! D:

ya then the 'public announcement' of my 'boyfriend' hahaha tskkkkk. omg most of my relatives assume its true already!!! :/ haha but poor david he also had no choice but to be sporting hahah. then after cake-cutting most of them watched abit of world cup (netherlands vs brazil) while i got some time to chitchat with the crescentians! :DD oh then my classmates secretly dispersed themselves upstairs to prepare 'THE present' for me hahaha omg. james covered my eyes up the stairs till the 4th level and guess whatt, they wrapped david up in wrapping paper! HAHAHA omg so he tore through the paper when james opened his hands from my eyes lolol. i got a shock! but it was really funny hahaha. yeah & the guys got me this 'wedding card' on purpose with their messages in it lol.

haha yupp thats about it! i spent my birthday well till the last second! heheee so proud of it hahah xD

D:

How I feel like crying my heart out now.

Beginning of year 6, term 2.

the march holidays really wasn't a holiday at all. had math port on my mind throughout but im really glad its our second math port already! :D oh and non-residential band camp till wed, almost half the week gone. It was really pretty bad, considering our games were suddenly cancelled so that left us with only practices, practices. I really still love band alot, but there are times when he can actually make me feel quite useless and that im not important at all, so that really is quite sad. lol

sigh, how can I not understand her feelings when I've been through it too. Really dont know how i should persuade her not to leave. Maybe we're all just too stressed up with our workkk. hahaha.

on a brighter note! TOK PRESENTATION IS OVER!! :D omgoshhhhh unbelievable rights hahah. I have really worked hard for it and i barely had any sleep over the weekends :( this is probably the first ever presentation which i did NOT use a script at all!! lol its so fun thinking of being able to present without reading off a script haha. the teachers were really kind (i feel), esp mr koh cause i somehow had to become the first person to present and he was encouraging me not to feel nervous etc. :DD it really helps alot when your examiner is telling you to relax hahaha. so there goes and although all my practices at home exceeded 10min by alot, like almost reaching 18min, but i managed to speak faster and actually presented in 9min plus! i know its bad that i rushed through, but i really would rather rush through than to not be able to finish my presentation. so whatever grades im given, I would accept it for i tried my best! ((: such a relief that TOK is like officially half done ^^

went over to acjc funfair last sat after band and met up with so many of my sec sch friends, such a nice feeling to see them again :D dinner-ed with liuxin, joey and shixuan and joey was addicted to sucking in helium to make her voice change hahaha omg it really worked!! her voice was suddenly so shu nu hahaha (:

yay just done with my chem design prac. but i still got a whole list of work to do omg. its like never endinggggggg. :( so i shall take things one at a time haha and learn to breathe.

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (: